We are sorry to report that we are currently out of stock of all our items. As the expenses are barely covered by our marginal sales we have decided not to reprint. (Also, real world jobs keep this site from running efficiently, sorry)

If demand picks up we may reopen but currently we have decided to discontinue our product line. We will possibly be licensing our design out to a popular convention based Cthulhu vendor so you will still be able to buy Elder Party Merchandise at places like ComicCon and DragonCon in the future.

Thank you for your patronage!

This is just as if the Onion made the perfect evil political commercial just for me!

Lord Cthulhu couldn’t be more pleased!

This proves that America is ready for a change.

Cthulhu has arranged it so that there is a new page of links to the left. Enjoy this while you can, for when the Great Lord comes to power there will be no more time for amusements; there will be only great suffering and horrors beyond imagination.

Cthulhu demands you utilize these links. They range from ways to contact your government (to demand change and to get their assurance that they will be endorsing your Great Lord and Master in the upcoming election), to H.P. Lovecraft web-pages (from a free archive of public domain stories to table top RPGS and video-games), to curious and thought-provoking sites (covering various things from politics to theology).

Praise be to Cthulhu and His generosity!

Praise for Cthulhu! Here is a recent fan-letter from a wise mortal named Peter:

“Lord Cthulu,

I have had no patience for the latest round of political shenanigans. I was fully ready to spoil my ballot and vote for MICKEY MOUSE this round. Now I will vote for you.

However, for your world domination to begin on American soil, you need to destroy the electoral college. I don’t see how my vote, or any votes of other slaves to your will will make a difference.

In short, master, the game is rigged.

Please send me some peace on this subject, because at this point in time, I could give a fuck.

Feel free to take my soul for that last profanity.

In madness,

A hopeless muphukka.”

The rest of you lot could learn from this human. Cthulhu approves of praise and demands more! It will go badly for you all if He does not receive it.

Peter has a good point though, the game IS rigged, and soon I will be the puppet-master controlling all the strings. Cthulhu will abolish the Electoral College when he demolishes the government as you know it! There will be chaos and blood forever after!

Also, Cthulhu thinks this Mickey Mouse creature will have to die. It is an abomination in His eyes.

Cthulhu likes the way Senator Lindsey Graham thinks, even if he does have a girl’s name: “Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) vowed Thursday “to do everything in his power to overturn the Supreme Court’s decision on Guantanamo Bay detainees, saying that ‘if necessary,’ he would push for a constitutional amendment to modify the decision.” This guy is on the right track though, nevermind a slow erosion of rights, just throw America’s civil rights out the window. Cthulhu fully supports this human’s plan to do away with Habeas Corpus for everyone. It will lay the groundwork for Cthulhu’s coming reign. Let the nightmare begin!

Cthulhu is displeased. Your United States is actually giving rights back to known criminals held at Guantanamo Bay. What is this world coming to when you can’t just toss a man in jail for life without any chance of a fair trial? Though, Cthulhu knows one thing for sure, you pitiful mortals better not get used to it; because once He’s in charge of this country there will be no more rights, no more trials. For the slightest of infractions people will face a torturous imprisonment followed by a slow and grisly death. This, Cthulhu swears!

You humans never cease to amaze me; this is still not news?

The motion to send Rep. Dennis Kucinich’s impeachment resolution against President Bush to a Judiciary Committee passed 251-166.

Currently Cthulhu guesses the excuse for something like this not being on a front page somewhere is that it hasn’t gone anywhere yet. Cthulhu wonders why Clinton’s entire impeachment process was such a scandal but this is not… Perhaps you silly humans focus too much on the sex of a scandal instead of a criminal war where real lives are lost?

Not that Cthulhu disapproves of war, war is great and furthers His own agendas, but He wonders what your excuse is.

EDIT: Apparently CNN finally reported on the first part of this saga. There is still not a whole lot of anything on MSNBC, ABC, or Fox News.

Rising gas prices got you down? Cthulhu has the solution!

Souler Energy: It’s a revolutionary new technology powered on the distilled energy of innocent human souls! All you need do is slay your fellow man and use the patented Souler Cell™ to imprison their newly departed essence. Runs for 200 miles on just one soul! Just think, you could solve the gas crisis and the vagrant population all in one simple equation!

You won’t need Obama or McCain’s government caps on gas prices when you have this modern technological marvel under your hood. See your local Damned Dealership today for more details.

Remember, with Souler Energy, if you’re not part of the Solution you’re part of the problem.

• WARNING: Use of this technology may cost you your own soul. No warranty expressed or implied. Possible side effects include madness, hysteria, and death.

• Mileage depends on innocence of soul (children and nuns garner more M.P.S., miles per soul).

Cthulhu knows all! Apparently He knows a lot more that the American people…

Over the last few days several big things have happened in your tiny circus ring that you call politics. For one, a major senate report about the war in Iraq came out, wherein John D. (Jay) Rockefeller IV states:

“It is my belief that the Bush Administration was fixated on Iraq, and used the 9/11 attacks by al Qa’ida as justification for overthrowing Saddam Hussein. To accomplish this, top Administration officials made repeated statements that falsely linked Iraq and al Qa’ida as a single threat and insinuated that Iraq played a role in 9/11. Sadly, the Bush Administration led the nation into war under false pretenses.

“There is no question we all relied on flawed intelligence. But, there is a fundamental difference between relying on incorrect intelligence and deliberately painting a picture to the American people that you know is not fully accurate.”

That was on June 5th, 2008… Yesterday, June 9th, 2008 Rep. Dennis Kucinich spoke to the House of Representatives, airing live on C-SPAN, introducing 35 articles of impeachment against President George W. Bush. These “high crimes and misdemeanors” were read with references cited. Prowling over to your main news sites like MSNBC, ABC, Fox, and CNN though, Cthulhu can find no references to this important event.

Silly humans, why doesn’t your media report on these things?

Cthulhu finds only these sites with information on them, so He gives them to you freely in order to further unravel your unstable political system (it will make conquering you all that much easier):

The Daily KOS on the Impeachment Articles

Wikipedia on the Impeachment Articles

The Raw Story on the Impeachment Articles

The Senate Committee Findings

Lord Cthulhu needs a new PR agent. We had to ritualistically sacrifice our last update writer due to incompetence. Hopefully the new one will be up to par…

Since it’s an election year we’ve decided to get things rolling right along for our campaign. Caucuses schmaucuses…who needs ‘em? We will be shortly conquering your planet regardless of electoral outcome.

“But”, you might say, “if you’re going to conquer the world anyway what’s the use of supporting your campaign?” Well, foolish mortals, by showing your support for us and wearing our merchandise, or using our stencils, you will ensure a quick and painless death, or better yet, eternal enslavement, by our Great and Powerful Lord. For those that deny Cthulhu I can promise no such mercy. We will slowly peel the flesh from your bones and feed it to the faithful. Based on that option I think the choice in candidates should be clear to you. Cthulhu is the way forward!

And really? What are your other options? Non-viable candidates such as Hillary, who is an overemotional and just barely disguised man in drag; Obama, an unelectable pretty boy with little political experience; Guliani an adulterous miscreant who completely mishandled the aftermath of 9/11; or McCain, a fat and delusional Bush administration lapdog. These are your new leaders of the Free World? I don’t think so. Vote Cthulhu and we will enslave your planet thereby bringing order and discipline to chaos, finally America and the rest of the world will be united once again (even if it is in servitude).

If anyone out there would like to submit writing or artwork to our glorious leader please feel free, if Lord Cthulhu is pleased by it he will send you free merchandise and upload it to our illustrious website. Please note though by submitting any documents or images to us you are thereby giving us permanent rights of use for as long as we choose with or without compensation. We may also edit said files for brevity, clarity, or any reason at all really; depending on our mood.

I have to be frank here; this website began as a private joke that turned public. We later discovered it’s been done many times over, much to our chagrin, but we pressed on anyway because we liked it (other nay-sayers be damned).

This site is meant to bring humor into politics by throwing the ridiculousness Presidential elections into sharp relief. However, once we started getting into this and talking about politics we decided that maybe just being humorous and poking fun at politics wasn’t quite enough. Maybe, just maybe, we could actually make a small difference in the minds of a few people. I don’t think we will affect many because politics is still something that polarizes people in this country and most people won’t ever budge on their political position (for instance, at least 30% of the nation still likes G.W. Bush and think he’s doing a “heckuva job”).

We chose Cthulhu because he is a symbol of destruction and evil. In this upcoming election it would be all too easy for someone who is wrong for the country to come into office and be elected by a duped populace. Once upon a time people thought Hitler had some good ideas too. (Not to immediately Godwin this whole site or anything…)

At The Elder Party we aren’t just fed up with the government; that’s a cop out. We get so tired of hearing that “well, it will never change, so what can I do?” or “why even bother, it’s not like our vote counts anyway.” We like to believe that if you get involved in politics you can make a change (call me naive) and if you want to make a change you have to realize that things take time. You need to start small, invest a bit of interest in your local political scene. Start with things like your mayoral elections and city council appointments and build up from there. Who knows; you might even get interested enough to run. If you run in a small town, you may even win, make changes there and you could move up into state politics, and so on.

If you don’t think politics is your cup of tea then find someone you agree with and help them, volunteer, get out there and convince people to work towards a change.

If you are too busy or can’t be bothered with such trivial things then vote. Just vote. It takes a few minutes out of your day once every few years.

Small government does work, and eventually, things that work in small government change things in big government. Cities and small towns are the starting grounds for small ordinances that eventually become law. State government is the proving ground for local legislature that will someday become federal law.

Everything happens in baby steps, work just one change in your town, while others work change in theirs, and eventually you will create a large change together.

Who cares if we don’t all agree on politics? No one will ever be universally popular, and all of us will never agree on any one thing. The attitude in this country has become too harsh towards one another. People throw around the terms like “Liberal” and “conservative” like they are swear words when most people are actually moderates. Just because you align yourself with one party doesn’t mean you can never agree on anything; there is plenty of overlap in the middle ground between “left” and “right”.

To progress in this country it is necessary and vital that we overcome this use of hatred, doublespeak, and spin. Ideals can’t be simplified to a sound bite. Instead it is the norm to create impassioned debates about private personal decisions (such as homosexuality or abortion) rather than discuss things that matter (like the growing national deficit or the fact that, for a Western “civilized” country, we have some of the worst living conditions for the poor and the homeless).

Please, take time out of your lives to get educated on subjects in politics that you care about (if you care); read a bit of newspaper (online if necessary, and several if you can, because they tend to be highly biased). Get a history book or two from your local library, bookstore, or even order some online. Read them and notice the trends that keep repeating themselves.

When we educate ourselves about what has happened we can make an informed guess about the future and try to work towards something better.

Don’t worry if this sounds too serious, we’ll still have humor.

-The Elder Party

Greetings mortals! Welcome to The Elder Party.com. The site is finally live and ready to go.

I demand that you give this site Diggs!

You are also required to purchase my brilliant merchandise in order to fund my political endeavors.

If you want to enlist in my cause feel free to check out the volunteer page and use my free downloads to spread the word.

You can also find me on your social networking sites of choice. I am currently on myspace, friendster, and facebook.

There will be new content every week (or my webmaster will be painfully murdered) so make sure you come back and visit often.

This website will be used as a launching point for my Political career, which will no doubt be gloriously successful. The planets and stars are finally position again, just in time for the 2008 elections. My newly awakened brethren and I are looking forward to total domination; first in this puny human election here in the United States and then, eventually, the world.

Through the use of my awesome telepathy I have long waited and watched the political carrying-ons in this country from my dream-filled slumber in R’yleh. I have decided that this country is ripe for my return since you are all creeping towards a totalitarian state without my help. If this is the sort of government you have all become accustomed to and complacent with then I feel I have much to offer you pitiful creatures.

With my return I can promise an absolute dictatorship. You insignificant insects will be enslaved to my will and be ushered into a new era of suffering. Government will no longer be governed by morality and justice but chaos and oppression.

The way I see it, this is exactly what you humans seem to desire; I just want to make this transition as smoothly (for me) and as painful (for you) as possible.

-Cthulhu